not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
