You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I haven't been this sober since birth.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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