Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
