somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just threw up on my dentist
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
