Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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