im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
