it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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