I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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