My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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