Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
