Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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