your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he was CRYING into my vagina
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
