Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize