Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
