So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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