my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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