$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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