My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
