yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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