I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
