Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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