Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
