Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
