I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
