I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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