so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
