Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
