I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
