god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
