I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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