Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So vagazzling was a success
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
