Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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