Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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