i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Blow job season was short but glorious.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
