my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
