i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize