You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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