What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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