I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
