Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
