I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i think my cat just said my name.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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