mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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