i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
