do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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