You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
