I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
