i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
