38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
