he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish there were birth control emojis
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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