I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
