I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Randomize
