he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
