she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
