i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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