I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
