He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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