smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize