I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
